GOP To Dig a Trench Around Its Majority

Embattled, facing challenges from without and insurgents from within, the beleaguered Republican Party today announced plans to dig a giant trench around the political majority it currently holds in Congress, hoping it will hold until November 7.

President Bush approved the digging of the trench — which will be subsidized by slashing all government programs aiding people who don't own yachts — and said the giant hole was just what America needed. "We must dig and dig until we can dig no more," he said, thrusting out his chest in an attempt to intimidate a TV journalist. "We must stay the digging course until we dig our way to victory. I am the digger, and also the teller of other people to keep digging."

Some Republicans privately expressed doubts that the earthen abyss would safeguard the GOP's control of the House and Senate. "Sure, a lot of Democrats willingly jump into any hole we tell them to," said one official. "But some of them have figured out our game plan and might just scale our moat and lay siege to our battlements. Then what will we do?"

The White House and Congressional leaders dismiss such concerns. "Those who claim the trench can be breached are emboldening our enemies, by which I mean everyone who doesn't agree with us 100% of the time," declared press secretary Tony Snow while shutting off everyone else's microphones. "The trench will hold. The majority will hold. Be afraid. Do not test the trench."